Which is particularly impressive of me in view of the revolting disrespectfulness of all three of their natures. But I soldier on nevertheless - someone has to set them a good example ...
I'm sorry for your pain, Gabrielle, which I think is important to acknowledge whilst also acknowledging that your life is not a morass of misery as a result. My daughter had two ectopic pregnancies in her early twenties, had to have her fallopian tubes removed, and had to sit through a decade of people telling her the ectopic ones clearly weren't to happen and so it was all for the best in the end (!!!), or asking about the patter of tiny feet and saying comfortingly that she should just relax and it would all happen on its own (without fallopian tubes?). IVF was successful and she gave birth to the light of my life, but people really do not know how to respond to or talk about the fact that some people would like children and haven't been able to.
Oh, Louise, "Just relax and let it happen" is the most cruel and insulting and pressurizing thing that can be said to people who are trying for a baby (do they really think we're so uptight we've forgotten which bit goes where?), and people who have not been there would not believe the sheer number and sheer variety of people who say it with completely straight faces. I'm so sorry for that awful decade your daughter went through - poor girl, what a nightmare - but how lovely that the story had a happy ending! Thank you for sharing it, and I bet you're an amazing granny!
Beautiful piece, so thoughtful and helpful to others including us with children who might have been thoughtless and caused pain in our responses without meaning to do so. It made me remember that you need to mindful in my responses to others hardships and struggles. I am very happy that you and Mr Los Angeles are in my children's lives and were responsible for much happiness as they grew.
In-group flattery always offends someone, Gabrielle. But we most notice it when it offends ourselves.
You could potentially find one of these grievances to post about on this day every year for the rest of your life because there's so much commercial flattery in it. You could be well past menopause and still be doing it.
My suggestion: don't. You can't stop people buying into cheap, commercially-reinforced tokenism -- and the grumbling changes nothing except oneself.
There's dignity in raising a child well, but also in a million other services to people and society too.
Individual and commercial approval is not and never was dignity.
Thank you for this, Ruv. Of course we'll never be able to rid the world of insensitive advertising campaigns - my aim in publishing this post was to help to lift at least a small corner of the curtain of silence which surrounds this shamefully under-discussed topic. And I have had some nice responses, both publicly and privately, which pleases me, because the more we talk about this, the less lonely we women who suffer from it will feel.
There’s so much context here, Gabrielle and you’re right it’s the corner and not the whole.
Women deserve better than being treated as a life-support system for a uterus.
I can’t add anything more to the discourse than women already have.
Nevertheless, the marketing plays to strong instincts and loves normalising whatever will sell. That’s the problem — we can’t stop it from working, nor from being attempted.
But… we could add something else. Genuine signal to counteract the instinctive noisemaking.
Hi Elizabeth - thank you for this lovely note, I did send you a reply but it seems to have turned up as a separate message. If you want to scroll up, it's addressed to you personally so I do hope you find it. Please take care ...
Thank you for sharing your feelings about the pain around the Mother's Day holiday. Your words were very poignant and beautifully expressed. Alan and I spent many years trying to get pregnant and your description of disappointment bring back these long ago feelings. Thanks for your openess.
Thank you for this, Karen. I've had a number of warm responses, both publicly and privately, which tells me something you and I both already knew, which is that this is a topic that very much needs to be talked about more than it is. Here's to lifting the cover of silence inch by inch,
Thank you for sharing this deep pain so generously. You are such a nurturing and loving friend to so many of us lucky ducks and you know deeply how to love. I will share this article to the Jizo Foundation. And you always bring the best flowers
Oh, Francis, didn't you know? It's added to their skill set at the moment their waters break and the more children they have, the better at it they become. It's a well-documented fact of nature, and I don't understand how you can not understand it....
You strike such a deft balance here in raising awareness about how people can be thoughtlessly cruel towards those who suffer infertility. You depict honest pain and a total lack of self-pity and wrap it in your lovely gentle humor.
Thank you, Elizabeth, and I'm so sorry for your predicament. If it makes you feel any better, I too was sure I'd remain single forever, I knew I desperately wanted children but was also sure I didn't want to do it on my own, and when I was in my late 30s my maternal hormones were bursting all over the place, When I met Mr. Los Angeles, I was 41 and initially quite cautious because I wanted to be sure I was marrying him and not just a potential father. The marriage is doing fine, for which I feel immensely privileged, but the children didn't work out and we're both very sad about that. I wish I could give you a hug too, but please send me a private message if you want to talk further. Sending you love ...
Well, thank you, Anneke. At my advanced age, I've had many years to learn to deal with society's reaction to my situation - and believe me, I've had a few sweet words with that florist this week, along the way - but I wish with all my heart that this were a subject we could all acknowledge as just an admittedly sad part of society's tapestry and move along. One day ... conversation by conversation ...
Well, thank you very much, Shelly, both for the kind words and for your kind offer to share on Facebook. Infertility is a topic I've been trying to write about for years and have become increasingly frustrated that nobody - NOBODY - seems to want to hear about, which is heartbreaking, because there are a lot of women out there who are very sad indeed, and because nobody is wiling to engage in a conversation about this, then nobody knows how to talk about it, and so we continue lonely as well as sad. Thanks for helping to drag it out into the light!
So well said. If you think it would help build your audience, I could share it to facebook in a link. Let me know.
Thanks, Shelly I did reply to this very kind message, but it somehow went in as a stand-alone comment, so please scroll down to read!
You’ve been a brilliant godmother to all of our children - thank you x
Which is particularly impressive of me in view of the revolting disrespectfulness of all three of their natures. But I soldier on nevertheless - someone has to set them a good example ...
I'm sorry for your pain, Gabrielle, which I think is important to acknowledge whilst also acknowledging that your life is not a morass of misery as a result. My daughter had two ectopic pregnancies in her early twenties, had to have her fallopian tubes removed, and had to sit through a decade of people telling her the ectopic ones clearly weren't to happen and so it was all for the best in the end (!!!), or asking about the patter of tiny feet and saying comfortingly that she should just relax and it would all happen on its own (without fallopian tubes?). IVF was successful and she gave birth to the light of my life, but people really do not know how to respond to or talk about the fact that some people would like children and haven't been able to.
Oh, Louise, "Just relax and let it happen" is the most cruel and insulting and pressurizing thing that can be said to people who are trying for a baby (do they really think we're so uptight we've forgotten which bit goes where?), and people who have not been there would not believe the sheer number and sheer variety of people who say it with completely straight faces. I'm so sorry for that awful decade your daughter went through - poor girl, what a nightmare - but how lovely that the story had a happy ending! Thank you for sharing it, and I bet you're an amazing granny!
Beautiful piece, so thoughtful and helpful to others including us with children who might have been thoughtless and caused pain in our responses without meaning to do so. It made me remember that you need to mindful in my responses to others hardships and struggles. I am very happy that you and Mr Los Angeles are in my children's lives and were responsible for much happiness as they grew.
Thank you, Candi, your children are a great pleasure to be around too!
In-group flattery always offends someone, Gabrielle. But we most notice it when it offends ourselves.
You could potentially find one of these grievances to post about on this day every year for the rest of your life because there's so much commercial flattery in it. You could be well past menopause and still be doing it.
My suggestion: don't. You can't stop people buying into cheap, commercially-reinforced tokenism -- and the grumbling changes nothing except oneself.
There's dignity in raising a child well, but also in a million other services to people and society too.
Individual and commercial approval is not and never was dignity.
In sympathy, Ruv.
Thank you for this, Ruv. Of course we'll never be able to rid the world of insensitive advertising campaigns - my aim in publishing this post was to help to lift at least a small corner of the curtain of silence which surrounds this shamefully under-discussed topic. And I have had some nice responses, both publicly and privately, which pleases me, because the more we talk about this, the less lonely we women who suffer from it will feel.
There’s so much context here, Gabrielle and you’re right it’s the corner and not the whole.
Women deserve better than being treated as a life-support system for a uterus.
I can’t add anything more to the discourse than women already have.
Nevertheless, the marketing plays to strong instincts and loves normalising whatever will sell. That’s the problem — we can’t stop it from working, nor from being attempted.
But… we could add something else. Genuine signal to counteract the instinctive noisemaking.
I'm 38, a woman and single. Can't find the right man to have children with and I want them.
Your piece made me cry. And I don't think I've ever cried reading anything.
I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you for this piece. You understand. You know. Thank you.
Hi Elizabeth - thank you for this lovely note, I did send you a reply but it seems to have turned up as a separate message. If you want to scroll up, it's addressed to you personally so I do hope you find it. Please take care ...
Ah! I didn't find it. Thank you for your lovely words.
-Ash
This was powerful and poignant, Gabrielle. So eloquently articulated and I can understand your pain and frustration. 🥹
Thanks, Daniel, that's very kind of you.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about the pain around the Mother's Day holiday. Your words were very poignant and beautifully expressed. Alan and I spent many years trying to get pregnant and your description of disappointment bring back these long ago feelings. Thanks for your openess.
Thank you for this, Karen. I've had a number of warm responses, both publicly and privately, which tells me something you and I both already knew, which is that this is a topic that very much needs to be talked about more than it is. Here's to lifting the cover of silence inch by inch,
Such a moving account of this sad experience Gabrielle. Much love xxx
Thank you, Clare, and very much love to you too xx.
Thank you for sharing this deep pain so generously. You are such a nurturing and loving friend to so many of us lucky ducks and you know deeply how to love. I will share this article to the Jizo Foundation. And you always bring the best flowers
Thank you very much, Patricia, both for the kind words and for the offer to share this sadly under-discussed topic.
Quite simply, one of your very best Rx
The ability to pick the right flowers at the right time is a new maternal superpower to me too. Forgive me if I am ever so slightly skeptical
Oh, Francis, didn't you know? It's added to their skill set at the moment their waters break and the more children they have, the better at it they become. It's a well-documented fact of nature, and I don't understand how you can not understand it....
You strike such a deft balance here in raising awareness about how people can be thoughtlessly cruel towards those who suffer infertility. You depict honest pain and a total lack of self-pity and wrap it in your lovely gentle humor.
Thank you, Elizabeth, and I'm so sorry for your predicament. If it makes you feel any better, I too was sure I'd remain single forever, I knew I desperately wanted children but was also sure I didn't want to do it on my own, and when I was in my late 30s my maternal hormones were bursting all over the place, When I met Mr. Los Angeles, I was 41 and initially quite cautious because I wanted to be sure I was marrying him and not just a potential father. The marriage is doing fine, for which I feel immensely privileged, but the children didn't work out and we're both very sad about that. I wish I could give you a hug too, but please send me a private message if you want to talk further. Sending you love ...
Well, thank you, Anneke. At my advanced age, I've had many years to learn to deal with society's reaction to my situation - and believe me, I've had a few sweet words with that florist this week, along the way - but I wish with all my heart that this were a subject we could all acknowledge as just an admittedly sad part of society's tapestry and move along. One day ... conversation by conversation ...
Well, thank you very much, Shelly, both for the kind words and for your kind offer to share on Facebook. Infertility is a topic I've been trying to write about for years and have become increasingly frustrated that nobody - NOBODY - seems to want to hear about, which is heartbreaking, because there are a lot of women out there who are very sad indeed, and because nobody is wiling to engage in a conversation about this, then nobody knows how to talk about it, and so we continue lonely as well as sad. Thanks for helping to drag it out into the light!